You sure know how to be full of yourself but I just remembered…I made you who you are today. (I’m not proud of it at all) Someone tell me where I went wrong because I created a monster. 

It’s been awhile since I’ve had time to write on here. During those times without writing as a way to escape reality I over thought more than usual. I hate how this feeling of loneliness exist wherever I go; even when I’m physically not alone it follows me & I guess it has always existed within me. I may have someone there but I still feel like no one can understand me fully. I’m disappointed in myself over so many small things that I have no control over. Living for today & not for tomorrow because I just never know if I will actually wake up the next day. I have constantly been feeling mentally exhausted, physically dead & emotionally fucked over by life. Please, give me a reason to believe in something again or else I really don’t know what I’m living for anymore. I hate these thoughts in my head just as much as society hates me for not being “perfect” in their eyes. Fuck, over-thinking again -.-

Sometimes, I just want to disappear as if I never existed. I just want to run far far away from here & live in dreams, at least there I know nothing can go wrong. At times when I wake up I don’t even feel alive, I feel hollow inside. I get those feelings where you can’t help but question is this really me? Is this actually who I am? Why am I never good enough? & it goes on… Shit, I can’t tell what’s real or not anymore. Friends become enemies, family becomes distant & the person you thought wouldn’t give up on you eventually did. Who do you run to then? I know that at the end of the day you only got yourself to depend on but how can you depend on yourself when you can’t even believe yourself anymore? How is it possible to do things when it seems you have no control over your emotions & actions? It’s as if you’re forced to show a certain emotion at a certain time, like faking a smile when you clearly know your whole world has fallen apart already. You feel obligated to act a certain way because you’re afraid no one would nor could accept you for what you have become. Basically, you’re not the person they use to know & now you’re just a person with a broken smile living for nothing because along the way you forgot your self-worth. FML, I just had to wake up feeling this way. 

It’s been some time since I wrote an entry. Lately, the appetite to write my emotions down haven’t been the same.  I haven’t been too well but I am attempting my best to face it head on with a smile. Sometimes I write it down because I feel no one would understand & I would be seen as weak if I showed the world I was breaking down. Holding in everything is easy to do but it comes with some side-effects & a price; you over-think on situations that may or may not exist & after some time of holding shit in for too long…you can’t even tell what’s real or not anymore… you lose yourself in the process. You start questioning your self-worth then about life & the purpose of everything as if there is much more to this then what you see. Fuck. I see that I am too hard on myself & I have forgotten my self-worth. This happens to be one of many of my flaws. I am insecure about myself. Yeah, it’s unattractive but tell me how are you suppose to appreciate yourself after 20+ years of hearing bullshit about how you’re never good enough for anything; the damage is done & it has cost me my soul. I’m lost in this world but i’m not the only one lost. 

& I had to find out myself what the truth was. What hurts so much right now was finally figuring out why you left in the first place; it’s knowing you didn’t have the guts to tell me you had another. Instead, you told me you didn’t love me the same anymore & left it at that. This whole time waiting around for you I thought it was worth it. I thought wrong. This whole time I thought it was me who was the fool to lose you but I am not & you’ll realize one day. You’ll regret ever making me feel this way & you’ll feel dumb for ever fuckin’ with my feelings. I feel so stupid for ever letting you do this to me. I trusted you enough to let my gaurd down & this is what I get? Never again, there will not be a you & me again, not now not ever again. You made me felt like you deserved better but in reality I am the one who deserves better. You’re as conniving as you were a ruthless manipulator & I hate how I enabled you to get to me this long. Fuck you & your bullshit. Fuck everything you ever done to me. Fuck this, I’m so done with you now. Now I know the truth & realize there’s no regrets here for me to dwell on anymore, just you will regret it. Have a nice fuckin’ life while you can because you reap what you sow. 

I stare at my reflection in the mirror sometimes & wonder who I am. I have yet found the answer to the purpose of my existence. I’m so confused & frustrated with everything. Excuse me, I’m not thinking clearly. I find myself pondering over questions one after another. Many, I still have yet found the answers to. I’m not satisfied. The way life is changes my view constantly on many things. Sometimes what I see & what I feel, I wish I didn’t. What’s fucked up is I still see beauty in the world even when it’s all filled with the ugly. I have no idea what the purpose of this entry is but fuck it, better to write it instead of leaving it in my mind. People tell me life is “simple” & I just make it more complicated but if it was so simple then why must I over-think about the true purpose of life. Why must these questions exist in my mind with no answer for it? Fuck, I need an answer or I’ll never stop wondering. 

*sigh* I hate you because I love you. My emotions need a break because clearly I’m going out of my mind. I swear it’s you I can’t take right now. However, I blame myself, granted I didn’t make you like you are but I enable you to get that way. You killed me with your ways & I’m always the one to blame because I’m the guy, I make mistakes & since you’re the girl, you’re always innocent. I remember asking you “Why do you act like that?” Your response, “Because you made me act this way.” Fuck, I can’t complain because I’m still around. I chose to stay & put up with your little game of charades, be your fool & your clown. What you didn’t realize was the thing that makes me stay is the fact that I still had faith that maybe one day you’ll realize or I’ll realize & go my own way. Too late, it took me longer to realize & go my own way. You didn’t even realize I still had faith when you chose to walk away. I don’t blame you because there’s no one to blame but myself. Today, I told myself to not stay around for your return because when you had me you didn’t want nor need me. I was just another person who came into your life only to end up being a stranger to you once again. Today, I will turn the last page to this chapter & never go back to re-read it ever. It’s time now to move on with life & let go of the painful memories.